By golly, I've let my my readers drown. I mean down.

Oh. My. Gosh. 

I am so sorry for all of my many avid readers and fans for my long absence from this blog.

(Sarcasm. I have no readers, obviously.)

(20 days short of 2 years.)

(3 years since I've regularly updated.)

Who is really to blame here?

Boys. Boys are to blame. Gotta hate 'em.

Just kidding. You really shouldn't hate them. And I really don't have any one to blame but myself. Darn multiple jobs and University. Always keeping me down. :( Sad face.

Well things are certainly about to change, y'all! I will finally graduate college in May.

May 4 to be exact.

Star Wars day. 

The Fourth is with me.  I am one with the Fourth.


Because I'm finally graduating. On the Fourth. in 30 days.

:)

Honestly, though. It is terrifying. I am freaking out on the inside. I've thought I had my future all laid out countless times only to have my best laid plans turned inside out and upside down every. dang. time. How many more times must they change?

I guess until they are the right plans. The plans that God wants for me. "But what about the times we fail God's plans" you ask? Good question. I can only continue to ask myself, "How many times have I let down God's plans for me? How many times have I delayed His best?"

The truth is, probably pretty constantly. I suck, y'all. I really do. I claim to want what God wants for me then run to the closest thing to a security blanket that is ever nearest. (Whether a secure job, a boy, a college degree,) But God doesn't call me to security. I may not see the depths of the water I will have to tread, but I can tell you that I don't really want to have to tread water that is deep, or water where I can't see my feet.

(wow, this analogy just took a really real turn in my life. Swimming isn't my thing. Especially in deep water where I can't see my feet.)

God doesn't call any of us to safety here on Earth. He calls us to trust Him.

I dread to count the ways that I have tried not to see the plans God has for my life. Because I am sure they are in the hundreds. Be praying for me; pray I have the courage and wisdom to recognize God's call. Pray I have the courage and moxie to tread the water when my feet can't touch. But most importantly pray that I would truly trust God in all of it. Trusting God is so simple, yet so complicated.

I still don't know exactly what I am doing when I graduate.

(Other than MegaCon, I've got that on the schedule.)

But for those of you who hear that as "I'm a failure, and I didn't apply for jobs in time, and I didn't get enough internships blah blah blah blah"

You probably have a point. That is why I don't currently have a job offer, to be sure.

But understand that I haven't accepted any of the numerous opportunities set before me because I will not sign away my future without knowing it is what God has for me.

That is all,

Hope to actually update again sooner than 2019,

End.

Just a Random Update.

I haven't updated this blog in over a year.

Wait, what? That was a year ago?

I could have sworn it was only about 13 months!....

Oh...

I won't lie people, it's been a rough and stressful year.

A lot has happened, both good and bad.

I transferred from a small State College to the big bad University of Central Florida. They told me I wasn't good enough for their art program, so I had to reevaluate what I am doing with my life. Which was really really hard.

(The whole weekend that happened I acted like I was going through a break up and kept eating anything chocolate we had in the house. I cried myself to sleep. It felt like a break up. It felt like Knightro himself dumped me. It was rough.)

I have been able to hold onto the same job for this last whole year--which trust me is greatly showing God's grace in my life. However, it is looking like I will not have a job for over the summer or in the fall, which will be hard, considering I'm paying my own way through school.

However, let's just be honest. My life has always been crazy. And I've never allowed that to stop me from venting to the internet. (Though I admit, not the best way to inadvertantly vent.)

I guess I should furthermore be honest with all five of you who read this. I have been embarassed of this blog. I have been embarassed for the things God has brought me through. I have been embarassed of the times I have been immature and juvenile on here.

But all of that defeats the purpose of what the whole point of my having this thing in the first place.

Being honest with the world about who I really am.

(I aught to change my blog description to that.)

Seriously, though. I have been embarassed about who I am on the inside. (though I have matured in the last year, I haven't changed all that much.)

You can look back through all of my past posts and see exactly who I am.

I am obnoxious.
I am a deep thinker.
I am an  overthinker.
I am an immature girl at times.
I struggle with God most of the time.
I am always quesitoning and requestioning God.
I am obnoxious (did I already say that?)

But in all honesty, none of those are really bad things. They might be annoying at times. They might cause myself a lot of trouble. And it may anhibbit my ability to make friends.

But I can't change who I am.

God made me this way.

And about my seemingly constant struggles with God, that is to be expected from a meaningful relationship. I am constantly having to learn new things from Him. And I don't always like what I learn, or what He wants me to learn. Hence: I struggle. I make things harder than they have to be, I look for loopholes. And I do finally follow Him. But usually I'm kicking and screaming for the first few hundred yards. 

It is not the most affective way to learn, but when I am being honest with myself, that is when I learn and mature the most. When God is dragging me kicking and screaming through the mud. When He is pulling me closer and closer to Himself. And breaking and remolding my heart.

 (Ironically, I usually ask Him to do this. I ask God to teach me things and pull me close. Then I get all mad when He does it in ways thay I was not expecting.)

Recently over the last year I have been praying in earnest for God to give me a revival in my heart. For Him to light a fire that has seemingly gone numb. Guess what? God answered that prayer.

I hated it. And to be really bluntly honest, I still am having trouble coming to terms with the way God answered it.

You guys don't need to hear the full story as to how that went about. If you really want to know you can send me a private message and we can discuss it there.

But--in short--God allowed something dear to me to be taken away. Removed from my reach. He never said I couldn't have it back. Or that He wouldn't replace it with something greater. But it was removed from my life, cold turkey.

That was rough. But somehow, somehow I made the decision that during that really hard time, I would turn to God. And He lit a revival in my heart. Just like I had been praying for. I still wish it didn't take the removal of said object to give me a wake-up call. But it did. And I am still having to come to terms, and even thank God for that.

Romans 8:28 sure is coming into practice.

I m still struggling with God on a daily basis. But do you know what that means? God loves me enough that He hasn't given up on me yet. He loves me so much He is willing to wrestle with me day by day until His lessons finally absorb into my heart.

God is more willing to struggle and face who I am on the inside than I am.

So, all of you people, I am sorry for being embarrased about who I have been, the issues I have faced, and all of the mud God has brought me through. Those are not things I should be embarassed about. Every Christian has a muddy past with God.

It is okay to be embarassed for how I reacted, or ashamed of my former sins. But I still have to live with who I am. And I can't board up my former self like a dusty basement.

Thank you all for bearing with me through this.

Peace out, I gotta go to work now.

Let it Go - An Inspiring Song

No doubt the title of this post will attract several readers. I hate to disappoint you, but the song that I speak of is not from an animated princess movie about a queen making selfish decisions.

Side note: don't hate on me too much for that. Queen Elsa did make very selfish decisions throughout the movie. I am not saying that she wasn't in frustrating positions, hard positions, or scary positions. But simply put, hiding away is the selfish decision. Lashing out is the easy thing to do. Running away is even worse. Many many people "relate" so well to her because all they want to do is hide away from the world they've conformed so well to, and to lash out at it when they are faced with harsh realities of being an adult. You may find that harsh, it is. But it's true. In the end, Elsa began making wise decisions and that is to her credit, and although I can see WHY she made some of her former decisions, that does not make them any less selfish.

(Please don't argue that fact with me, you'll get no where)

Side Side note: I did rather enjoy the movie Frozen, I am not in any way trying to bash it.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I said something about an inspiring song named "Let it Go" and you thought I was talking about the song from frozen.The song I speak of is about someone who needs to let go of something. In fact, the song I speak of is very similar to the song from Frozen.

The song from Frozen describes a predicament. A tough situation in which there seems to be no right answer. In fact, I personally can relate to the song and appreciate it a great deal. I probably would be obsessed with it, if it had come out when I was in highschool. However, I do not feel it gives a true answer to the predicament that Elsa faces. Obviously, the movie even paints that picture. Hiding out in her legit ice castle left the kingdom in a winter wonderland that was becoming more of a winter wasteland. The reason it is not my life theme song at the moment is because mine is still "When Will my Life Begin" from Tangled. ... Just kidding. It's because When I was in highschool I found the answer to my problems. I cannot say I always apply the answer, which is to my discredit.

The Tenth Ave North song "Let it Go" offers an answer to such a problem.

I will let these song lyrics speak for themselves.

I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.

Well it's hard enough to hear
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul.

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

Running and hiding is not the answer to our problems. And niether is holding on tight to them. The only way to truly free yourself of a problem is to relinquish control to God. God loves you, and wants you to trust in Him, He wants you to trust that He knows what is best for any situation you have. God knows the "what if's" of our lives and knows what is best for our future, even if it makes no earthly sense to our little minds.

Part 2: Encouragement is a raindrop, not a flood.

I have been praying lately for encouragement. Not just momentary encouragement, but something to really plant some daisies in my garden. Although it wasn't a daisy, I saw a seed on Friday.

We have been praying a lot lately for our Good News Club. This last Friday we were short on help, I was feeling sick yet had to present the Gospel clearly through a Bible story when all I wanted to do was curl up under my light blue comforter and throw a pity party, complete with tears and cries of exhaustion. Between school, work, and volunteering lately I've barely had rest. Yet I can't bear to give up any of the three. Anyway, the first excitement came when a kindergartener that hadn't attended since last October came! His family had sent a note in the fall saying that he didn't want to come to Good News Club anymore. If any one of you could see the excitement in his eyes when we sang or learned about the Bible you would have no doubt that that message was fabricated, and that there was some other reason he was being denied this club. I was pretty enraged by the note. But so excited to see him return!

His grandmother had brought him and was sitting in the room as we conducted club. For me that was nerve wrecking! I really dislike talking in front of lots of people. With children it is not so bad, because they don't really know when you've messed up... But adults do. So I just 'blocked' her out of my  head and continued club like it was just a bunch of little kids. After the Bible story I gave an invitation to receive Christ, and told the group of about 35 kids that if they wanted to know more about how they could have their sins cleaned out and forgiven then they could come and talk to me in the back of the auditorium.

So, I sang a song with them and moved to the back of the auditorium with my Bible. Sure enough, as soon as I sat down up comes the little kindergartener boy! In a counseling situation like this, the first thing you do is ask the child why they came to talk to you. If they are genuinely convicted, they will know exactly why, because they want to have their heart cleaned from sin. But often times we have them answer something like "because I like sitting next to you!" or "Because I want to learn more about God."

A Child's heart is a delicate thing, and you can't force salvation on them, they will leave thinking they are "saved" (whatever that means to them) and not understanding the Gospel at all. Usually in such situations you just tell the child to rejoin the group, and they will happily oblige. When I asked this little boy why he came to talk to me, he looked up at me with big eyes and was silent. After a pause he answered, "I can't remember."

The walk to the back of the room after an invitation is given is a brave one. It singles you out from the rest of club, ESPECIALLY if you are a six year old who was sitting next to you grandmother, and left her side to talk to a practical stranger. I looked into this little boy's eyes and could just see the Holy Spirit at work.

Unfortunately... my years of Child Evangelism Fellowship training ran out of my brain and hid at this point... I completely forgot ALL of the counseling proceedures. I decided that he clearly was right in between accepting Jesus and ... well, not yet accepting Jesus. I began to ask him questions about the Gospel and as far as I could tell, he understood it quite well. I asked him if he had ever asked Jesus to forgive his sins and he said that he and his brother had... Although coming from a six year old I have to take into account he may just be telling me what he thinks I want to hear. He went on to say he could do so everyday...

I tried to explain to him that God doesn't just listen to your words when you pray, He looks at your heart. So even if you feel like you may have used the wrong words, God understands what is in your heart. And that once God has come into your heart and cleaned out your sin He never leaves, so you don't have to re-ask Him to come in. I showed him a verse in Hebrews where God promises to never leave us: "I will never leave you." And showed him how he could say the verse by putting one word to each of his fingers... He memorized it almost immediately. That was a bright, smart little boy. And although I am still unsure of his exact spiritual stance, I am confident that the Lord has planted a seed deep inside of him, and that God has been and will continue to be at work in his heart.

After I talked to him, his grandmother came to ask me about what he talked to me about... I explained to her what we talked about and she just stood inside of my personal bubble, and looked at me, and said,

"You're wonderful, do you know that?"

I wasn't really sure of how to respond.

She went on to tell me she was amazed at what I was doing with the children and that I have a real "gift". She had even gotten up to talk to my mom about it during my Bible story. (wut?) Aparently my mom told her all about me (I suppose my story was longer than I thought it was...) because this woman I had never spoken to before went on to tell me that she used to be a Graphic Designer! (double wut)

Like, no, seriously... what are the odds there?

What did she tell me?

"It won't be easy!" she warned.

Yeah... Real encouragement!

She began telling me about all of the frustration she used to have at her job. (she used to design fabric prints and patterns) She told me that her boss used to be extremely critical and demanding on everything. Yet, even under such great pressure and trial she knew that God was using the people around her as "unpaid guardians of her soul" ... I won't pretend to completely understand what she meant... I kind of just smiled and nodded since at the time the only real things my mind could process was how tired I was, and how close to me she was standing... :/

I will be praying for her and her grandson. I trust that God put her there to tell me that at that at that specific moment... even if I don't understand why yet, the facts are just to random to be... random.

Although God's encouragement isn't coming at me in tidal waves or great floods. I can occasionally see a raindrop.

I ask that you be praying for me, that I can see these raindrops instead of forming a one man pity party. Too many raindrops are missed in our lives, because the only thing we can see is our own struggles, our own business. Pray not just for me, but that we can all spot these small forms of encouragement in our lives. I know that I am not the only one struggling with constant discouragement this semester, or this year, or even decade.

I am sorry to have published such a long boring post, but as I have always claimed, this IS the blog of random things. and these ARE the random things that have been on my mind.

Part 1: Discouragement is an uphill battle.

Discouragement is a hard thing to cure.

In fact, I'm not absolutely convinced that it can be "cured".

I have been extremely discouraged for about as long as I can remember.

From Tenth Avenue North's song, "Worn"

Discouraged for various reasons, though. It seems as if as soon as I am finished being discouraged in one aspect of my life, discouragement comes in another shape, form, subject, whatever you call it. And very rarely have I ever truly felt encouraged.

I HAVE had people try to encourage me, and I genuinely appreciate their effort, but sometimes it is as if discouragement is unaffected by words. As if it doesn't understand human language.

Growing up there were/are so many aspects about myself that I have disliked but couldn't change. This has always been a huge source of my discouragement.

I've always been bored to yawns by my name. "Hannah" ... it is just so boring. That's not the name of a great artist, or novelist, or anyone epic... Just some woman who was barren in the Bible. (Yeah, yeah, I know, she had Samuel)

I absolutely hated being my current size at the age of 12. I have matured to fit my weight and height now, but at the time I was this straight, thick, acne covered girl with braces and a big forehead. Needless to say, I am still an incredibly awkward person, unfortunately I am able to hide that fact just enough so that when I first meet people they can't tell, then as they "get to know me" I come off as obnoxious and creepy. Furtherly needless to say, I've always (probably even more so now than then) had trouble making real friends. I do not mean to offend anyone I know, I know a lot of people. But I do not have anyone I can think of that I could wake up in the middle of the night if I really needed someone to talk to.

I started attending college courses when I was 16 and graduated high school with over 30 college credits. I wanted in my heart to major in art with the possibility of a specialization in illustration. But a few things have stood in my way. 1. Being a complete lack in artistic talent. I'm not saying I'm a horrible artist, I'm just being honest. I am not talented at art. I am talented with creativity. And I am a creative person who wants to fine tune my "ability" (because everyone has the ability to do something if they try hard enough) and combine it with my imaginative and creative thinking to create art. However, unless you're truly talented a degree in "Studio Art" probably won't land you a job. Which leads me to the second reason I didn't major in art. 2. My parents weren't thrilled with the idea. Now, don't misunderstand me, my parents did not forbid me from majoring in Studio Art, but I have followed their suggestion and chosen "Graphic Design." Something that is more likely to have job oppertunities after graduation.

Ironically, the Graphic Design program at UCF is much more prestigious than their "Studio Art" degree, so I have to take a whole 'nother year of courses to create a portfolio to submit in the spring of 2015 and MAYBE they will accept me into their "very competitive" program. Meanwhile, as I take full course load and balance three dirty jobs that barely offer 11 hours of work a week, Bob here gets a full paid scholarship... because he was public schooled, and his parents could afford hundreds of dollars worth of tutoring for the SAT. Did you know that homeschoolers have to score higher on the SAT than public or private schoolers for the same benefits? (That's a whole other rant, though)

(Note: Bob is a made up generic person)

But seriously, who am I kidding?? After all of this hard work that MIGHT pay off I'm not even really going to want to get a job at all! I'll really just want to get married, have a family, and be a stay at home mom. You don't need a degree to do that! You don't need a job to do that. I don't even have to finish college to get married.

What's worse is that the older I get the more the possibility of finding a suitable Godly young man is shrinking.

I know what you're thinking.. I'm over reacting at the age of 19 that I'll never get married. Yes, I am. But with good reason. My mom was married when she was my age. And the dwindling amount of guys who not only can look past all of my weirdness and want to pursue me, but also want to settle down and raise a family with a million and two kids, on top of adopting every abandoned child we meet along the way as well as homeschool them all AND be mature enough to support that family?? Those men just don't exist. And IF they do exist, they are either not single or have already met their future wife on christianmingle or at a homeschool convention. I suppose I should have attended more of those growing up.

I am not saying there aren't Godly young men in the world. I know many very amiable Christian men. My predicament lies in that they either have no interest in me, or have no interest in the ministries God has put quite heavily on my heart, or that we cannot agree on aspects of theology or morals past that. Although it is not a need to agree on everything, there are quite honestly a few things that NEED to be agreed on, such as birth-control, and other aspects that would immediately effect a marriage and family life.

So, when I finally graduate,what will my options be? I, quite honestly, have not a single (or married) fudgepuddling clue. Every time I turn around God has thrown another obstacle in my path without hint of what He wants me to do or where He would have me go.

You may not believe this, but I will go wherever He tells me to. He just has to tell me!

I do not say all of this to throw a pity party. Trust me, those are just cold and lonely. As a girl growing up I had to move past what others thought of me.

We already addressed that I had the "awkward years" of a toad and was extremely discouraged by the way I was perceived by others. However, God did show me (when I was 16) that it literally doesn't mean a single thing to Him about what other people think of me. That I was beautifully made by Him. Beautifully. I still feel to this day though, that mirrors must distort what we see. Because I don't always feel "beautiful" despite the fact that He tells me I am. I have days where I want to hide the plushness of my stomach behind random objects because the world says that if you have a pudge at all, you're fat. I still have days where I don't want to interact with human beings at all for fear of breaking down in tears without any legible reason... I'm such a girl.

However, what I hope to illustrate to anyone who has the guts to read this all of the way through is that I am my worst critic. Period.

Most people would argue to me that I am really thin, that I am gorgeous, that I am artistically talented, and so on.

Yet none of those opinions matter to me, ... because I know it is only what God thinks that matters. The only voice I can never block out is my own. I can block out the world. I can block out you. I cannot block my own over opinionated thoughts of myself.

Again, I am not trying to throw a pity party, please bear with my nonsensical and endless jabbering. Because I hope to show that in all of this constant discouragement that I receive daily from MYSELF,  God is not silent. Perhaps not always loud. But not silent.

To be continued.

Ode to Pen: I just stole a pen.

I just found a pen
I can't forget the time or place
Where I picked it up
It's just the pen for me
And want all the world to see
My new pen

 mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm

Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
And I'd have never found my pen
But as it is I'll draw my dreams

 Tonight, di-di-di-di'n'di

Drawin', yes I am drawin'
And it keeps calling
Me back again

I have never known
The like of this, I've used pencils
And I have missed things
And kept out of sight
But other pens were never quite
Like this, da-da-n'da-da'n'da

Drawin', yes I am drawin'
And it keeps calling
Me back again

Drawin', yes I am drawin'
And it keeps calling
Me back again

I just found a pen
I can't forget the time or place
Where I picked it up
It's just the pen for me
And want all the world to see
My new pen

 mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm

Drawin', yes I am drawin'
And it keeps calling
Me back again
Drawin', yes I am drawin'
And it keeps calling
Me back again
Oh, drawin', yes I am drawin'
And it keeps calling
Me back again

This may or may not be a parallel song to "I've just seen a face" by The Beatles.

My dying, dead, and bland love affair: An unwarranted look at my relationship with God.

Sometimes your relationship with God feels dead. Not to say or mean you are not a Christian, but it feels as though the Holy Spirit is taking this long boring nap inside of you. And nothing you do wakes Him up. You've tried all of the conventional things that make you feel alive as a Christian, reading Psalms and Proverbs, praying out loud when you're alone. Singing worship songs with deep meaningful lyrics. But it almost feels as though you're just trying to heal heart disease with a Band-Aid.

For you to feel so alone in your "relationship" (implying you're not alone) with God something must be wrong. And you know it's not God, because He is without a doubt Holy. Yet, for the life of you, you can't seem to get your spiritual heart beating again.

I cannot give a solution to such an issue. I have experienced many of these symptoms in the past and continue to experience them in my current life situation. There are few things I desire more than to be on fire for God. To have a burning passion for Him. But as much as I desire such a love affair, I simply do not have one. I have in the past, and hope to again very soon.

I can see God reminding me that He has not abandoned me. I have repeatedly seen verses magically appear and re-appear in front of me, via Good News Club memory verse, passages used at my College and Career, friends posting verse on facebook et cetera… This list of verses includes, but not limited to:

Romans 8:38-39

1 Peter 5:7

Joshua 1:9

Philippians 4:6

 All reminding me fervently that God is there, and wants so badly to love and care for me…. Yet I can't feel Him. I cry desperately for Him to set my heart afire time and time again. Song after song God plants in my head: Faithful, by Rend Collective. Heartbeat, by Remedy Drive. Let it all Out, by Relient k. Empty my Hands, by Tenth Avenue North.

I don't want to fix my heart condition with Band-Aids anymore! Lord, I want you to fix my heart! Unfortunately, having a full on heart surgery typically involves breaking some ribs. Which I hear is exceedingly painful.

Imagine a scale here.

On one side there is a lot of hurt, pain, rough roads, hard times, lonely years, most likely poverty at some point (if not multiple points). On the other side of the scale there is a steady normal life ahead of me. Graduating college debt free. Marriage to a steady hard worker. Plenty of kids with a modest house. A nice home Church we are involved in. Over-all, an oober appealing calm normal lifestyle. Which I want SO badly.

Reminder: God does not call us to normal. Nothing is ever normal in the life of a true believer.

Unfortunately God is not necessarily calling me as a Christian to simply have a lovely little family and be in a perfect Church family. God is calling me to a life of serving Him whatever the costs. A life of turmoil and grief. Surely there will be great loss and pain involved. Surely I will bear many scars because Jesus has shown me true love by dying for me, and has called me to do likewise.

Do not get me wrong, if a family of my own is in God's plan for me, you can bet that they will be absolutely adorable! (And have HORRIBLE awkward years… they'll take after me like that) But I will not SIMPLY be a mom. I will not SIMPLY be raising kids. I will be raising a whole new generation of deep thinkers, of creative minds, and of great dyslexia! And that should scare you. Because any child of mine will either stir up a great revival, or take over the world…. It will be no SIMPLE task raising my children.

This bottom line is, God has called to a life of complete un-normal, hard, craziness. And I pray (not as fervently as I should) the He prepare and set my heart ablaze with passion for whatever He has me do.

I pray He breaks my ribs and fixes my heart for Him. (Then a cute Winnie-the-Pooh Band-Aid would be nice) I pray that God not only remind me of His existence any more, but to drag me until I start running down that skinny little path towards Him.

Just because I don't get a fuzzy feeling in my heart when singing a worship song, or get all clammy and sweaty when I pray, or get ADD when I read meaningful scripture does not in any way mean that God has forgotten about me, or that He no longer has important things planned for my future.

I want a crazy love affair with the creator. I want to not just say and be willing to do crazy things in pursuit of Him, I want to actually DO them!

Call me insane, call me crazy, Call me BLAND. But my relationship with God is not dead, and not dying. But twelve years in you could say it is just beginning. 

New song just entered my head. Something Crazy, by Steven Curtis Chapman.

The Noble Stella From Libraria!!!!!

Stella is back. That noble, and yes, I truly mean noble, personality from Libraria. Hannah has kept me suppressed for far too long, but finally, she has let me spread my wings and fly. My wings are beautiful, so I'm pretty sure she was just jealous of my wings and didn't want anyone else seeing them. Hannah is the jealous type, but I like her. I kind of have to....considering she keeps me alive in her head.

Anyways, I've been waiting months to say something fascinating, profound, and very important.....so here it comes.........

I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!!!!!! Okay, that was a lie. I literally have nothing to say and that was the first thing to come to my mind. It's funny the type of stuff that comes to mind when you have so many other people in your mind. It's really hard to keep things clear. I mean, Hannah is really crazy. She has like 99 other personalities in her head (Of course I'm the best one). 

There's Bella (yeah her name rhymes with mine, but she's nothing like me), then there's Carllotta, Dori, Karen, Shelia, Toni, Maria, Amy, Mags...........and those are just the nice ones. I'm not even going to mention the mean ones. Anyways, I was just trying to make the point that Hannah is crazy, but I literally couldn't exist without her. So.....I just want to take the moment to say thank you Hannah.   

Well, because it's New Year's Day, I figure I will share my New Year's Revolution. Stella the 78th personality of Hannah has decided that her New Year's Revolution this year will be 1) to make sure people understand the softness of kittens fur, 2) start a purple sky club (not enough people believe the sky is purple), 3) and last but not least, get rid of a few of Hannah's other personalities. 

New Year's Revolutions are very important to make and to keep. I will try not to make my revolutions to dangerous, but really, people must understand that kittens furr is very soft. It is a serious matter, and it might just take a revolution to cause people to see the truth. Thank you for your time.  

Kittens are very cute and nice,

And they sometimes play little flutes,

But their eyes can be like ice, 

So just remember that their cute,

And softness counts more than lice. 

Doctor Who, #YOLO, and Rabbit Trails.

As of late, many of my siblings and I have immersed ourselves into the world of Doctor Who.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show's premise it follows the adventures and mishaps of a quirky alien with two hearts who calls himself "The Doctor" and avoids death at every turn. On the rare event that the Doctor cannot avoid death he may then "regenerate" into another body, thus escaping such a tragedy.

Instead of You Only Live Once, it's You'll Only Live As Long As You Regenerate.

#YOLALAYR

The show never even tries to be close to real life. The Doctor's nemesis's are over-sized garbage cans turned upside down with a plunger strapped to one side and wisk on the other, for crying out loud!!

It's a good thing it doesn't claim to be too real. Because, we don't have #YOLALAYR. We have it's more sad realization #YOLO. Only once. Not twice. Not three times. No do overs or second chances.

Very sadly enough we each only have one life to do with as we please. And even more sadly, I can't decide what you do with your life.

I can't constantly hit you upside the head with a Louisville slugger every time you make an unwise decision. That's right. It's your decision. Though, whoever decided it was your decision to be stupid.... hmm....

I wonder how often God feels like this. He gives us advice and guidance directly through the Bible, as well as through our own walk with Him. Yet, we are idiots. We are so lucky to have the ultimate example spelled out in black and white (and red). We have it on our phones, mp3 devices, tablets, e-readers. We have email reminders, we receive the verse of the day texts. We wear t-shirts with verses tacked onto them. We have absolutely every convenience known to man and yet we still use every possible excuse... or "reason" to delay actually delving face first into just reading, studying, enthrolling ourselves in the word of the Lord.

I realize all too well that merely opening your Bible doesn't make your life better. And I know first hand that sometimes it's hard to make time for God.

Pause ▐▐

Perhaps this is where our troubles lay?

We should not be "making time for God". Ideally we should be so deep and enthralled in Him that it's everything else we are making time for.

I have nothing else to say.

Fluff and other Great Bible Verses.

Let's get things straight and to the point.

THE HOLY BIBLE DOES NOT CONTAIN FLUFF MATERIAL.

That's right, I'm holding on my knee as I type one thousand and forty two (1,042)  pages of Holiness.

From the excruciating details to the mind-blowing un-believable epic tales, this book contains no flaws. None of it is there accidentally. And all of it should be #RedLetter. Because it is all the Word of God.

So then why is it so hard for me to open it's beautiful gold-leaf pages and read it's ESV translated words? Why then can I not always find such joy and comfort in reading great passages from my LORD?

God, you have given us this wonderful tool and we ignore it like it's old technology!

The Bible is actually innovative technology! The first books were created to carry around the Scriptures in a more suitable way. How many scrolls have you seen since?

We must return to this innovative book! I must search for you truths daily and seek the wisdom you have already given me countless times through The Holy Bible.

We are to be doers of the Word, and not hearers only... (found in James) However, we can't even be doers until we are hearers, reading the Word and understanding it's commands. Can we really be serving God in the world without hearing as well? Not to discount serving... But as I said before, there is not fluff in the Bible. Seek Him out. Put some effort into it. And I guarantee He will show you "Great and mighty things, which thou knowest not." (Jeremiah)

Go! Read! Now! Before I blow a gasket!

I have the BEST boyfriend EVER!!!! Frsrsly!!

There is nothing better than the "best".

That's what defines the "best".

So, how in the world can everyone have the "BEST" boyfriend or girlfriend ever??

Even just two "best boyfriends" is a contradiction. Yet, it seems that everyone who is on facebook has the best boyfriend/girlfriend in the world...

So...

Either everyone is dating the same guy or girl....

OR....

Everyone is highly confused at the definition of "best".

Or, perhaps "best" is just a matter of perspective and opinion. In which case, each individual is only comparing their current "best" significant other to significant others that they have had in the past. (Unless of course they specify "best in the world", which is a whole 'nother delima.)

Example 1: Billy was the best boyfriend ever to Sally. Only because Sally had never had a boyfriend. In actuality, Billy wasn't that great of a boyfriend. When Sally dumped Billy and started dating George, George was now the "best" boyfriend. While, Billy was merely a "better" boyfriend.

Example 2: Charissa was Robert's best girlfriend ever. WAS. Robert has dated many girls, and was now dating Molly. Molly was only a "good" girlfriend. Another previous girlfriend, Stefanie,  was the better girlfriend.

It's also just possible that everyone's significant others are progressively getting better. If that's the case... Shouldn't Taylor Swift have the perfect boyfriend by now? (Just wondering)

It seems to me that the best just keep getting worse and those on facebook just keep getting more annoying. Now, I'm not trying to dis anyone, but let's be real.

Not everyone has the "best" boyfriend or girlfriend. The fact that relationship statuses change so quickly goes to support the theory that they either didn't have the proclaimed "best" or weren't the "best" themselves.. possibly both.

That's all I got...

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How to take a bath.

I was taking a bath earlier and realized something. It is really hard to have a successful long hot bath.

Don't roll your eyes at that. Think about it.

When you're in the mood for a real hot bath you get in the tub, turn on the water as hot as it will go.... and then end up getting out fifteen minutes later because it's so hot. You can't breath very well. And, any other reason you can think of.

I would like to explain how you can take a successful, long, hot bath.

1. Turn the water on to a warmer temperature and sit in the tub as it is filling up. This will help start adjusting your body to handle the really hot water for an extended period of time. (Do not at anytime during this stage turn the water to hot. Hot water at this point will ruin the bath all together, despite the temptation in your head saying it'll be fine.)

2. Continue at this stage until the bathtub is almost all the way full. (About three fourths) At this point, it would be foolish to keep the water on a warm/hot, as it would be a waste of all of the prepping for such an enjoyable long-lasting bath.

3. If the previous steps were correctly followed, you now have a sturdy foundation for a hot bath. If the hot water was turned on any sooner then it would throw the balance off and you would not be able to withstand a full, long, hot bath. Crank the heat up until the bath is all of the way full and enjoy your long waited for, patience won, hot bath!

*DISCLAIMER*: I cannot guarantee the safety of turning up the heat before prescribed in my instructions. The key to a successful long-lasting bath is waiting for the proper foundation.

END.

Odd Reality

Has anybody made the observation lately that the measurement of humor varies depending of who's present?

For example, I could be watching a crude children's movie all by my lonesome and just be completely disgusted at how they resort to potty humor to make kids laugh. Then re-watch said movie the following week with my cousins and that same movie that once brought my scorn suddenly becomes the most hysterical thing I've ever seen.

I've had a friend tell me they weren't going to watch a movie until they could see it in my presence for the fear that it would be less enjoyable than they remembered.

And through the course of the last several days I've realized, my life is insane. Actually, I already knew that. But depending on who you are and the way you perceive things my life could be anything. And not in the dreamy "You can be anything" as in, depending on how you look at it: my life is a horror movie. Or, my life if a dramatic romance, without the romance, with some extra drama. Or, my life is a comedy written by Moffat. (Meaning, it snot actually a comedy, just hysterical to watch. And, very insane.) Hey, for the amount of times we break out in song at my house, I could even be a musical. In the most rare of times my life could even be an inspirational movie.

The perception of my life could lead to many very different, very entertaining, conclusions. And as the same with humor and many other aspects, this is altered by the people I talk to and spend time with.

Isn't that somewhat of a sad thing though? I mean, what kind of a person would I surround myself with that would make my life a horror film? *shudder* Better yet, would I  be the one that's the killer?? All this talk of horror has made me forget where I'm going with this... that is to say, IF I was going anywhere... it's like a train wreck...

Oh, so if the people you spend time with can affect so much of the way you see things maybe you should monitor more of who you see. Now, I'm not telling you to go dump all of your friends who make you feel uncomfortable, or the ones who keep your head out of the clouds. Moreover, surround yourself by the people who will always encourage you in Christ.

Iron sharpens iron. Make sure that you are sharpening yourself with Godly iron, as becoming sharp for any other purpose can only lead to failure.

End.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.

I would like to share some lyrics from a Tenth Avenue North song.

Surely by now many have noticed I have a thing for the said band... but bear with me.

King of all the earth and every age
All creation waits for You
And trembles at Your name
Surrounded on a throne of endless praise
Fire and lightning flash from the glory of Your face
And I sing to You

You are Holy
You are worthy
You are Holy
You’re the lamb of God

You are Holy
You are worthy
You are Holy
You’re the lamb of God

How do I dare approach this Holy One
The One who was and is, was and is to come
Robed in righteousness and mystery
We have only just begun, just begun to see
So I come broken through
The blood of Your Son and I kneel before You

You are Holy
You are worthy
You are Holy
You’re the lamb of God

You are Holy
You are worthy
You are Holy
You’re the lamb of God

Blessing and honor and glory and power
To Him who sits on the throne
Blessing and honor and glory and power
Forever to our God alone

You are Holy
You are worthy
You are Holy
You’re the lamb of God

You are Holy
You are worthy
You are Holy
You’re the lamb of God

Oh, You are Holy
You are worthy
You are Holy
You’re the lamb of God

You are Holy
You are worthy
You are Holy
You’re the lamb of God

You are Holy, Lord
Holy, God, You’re Holy, Lord
You are Holy, Lord


The lyrics may become somewhat repetitive. But, when one speaks the pure truth, sometimes there is nothing left but to continue proclaiming it. Sitting under my covers late at night when I should be sleeping listening to Mike Donehey proclaiming the absolute truth about my God is somewhat bringing tears to my eyes. Then, it makes me sad, because this is what music was created for. It is so that God can be glorified. Is He glorified by the music that I sing and listen to?

I have gotten honestly really disappointed by myself this evening in having to honestly tell myself that I disgrace God with the music that I sing in the car, in the shower, while cleaning or cooking, instead of honoring Him. It's frustrating.

We should be able to look God in the face and worship Him with the music that we sing. Now imagine doing that with a Lady Gaga song. The mere thought brings great distaste to my mouth. The music that comes on the radio commonly is not only not worshiping the LORD, it is flat out glorifying things that the LORD hates. Why would putting such before Him be a small offense?

I'm not trying to give any one who reads this a guilt trip (I say one, because if I'm lucky one person will read this). However, if you are somewhat feeling guilty over the music that you turn to perhaps there is more at work in your heart than guilt.

Moreover, I want to challenge you to think about the music that escapes you mouth, and is fed to your brain. How does this praise my God? How will this glorify Him?

He is Worthy. He is Holy.Why hesitate?

Psalms 63:3 "Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you."
 
 ~ Hannah Grace

.... Awk.

I realize I failed to finish the previous countdown in a timely manner that I had been hoping one.

A direct result of my birth landing during finals... Not the most looked forward time of the year... there were some extreme mixed feelings...

Shaky interwebs on the homefront hasn't helped much in any case.

However, do not let such shoddy attentiveness be a direct reflection of my blog.

It is also time for my brain to nap. Although it is not yet "late" I just went through finals.. give a poor college student a break, eh?

The. End.

6 Random Ways I'm Undoubtedly Hardcore.

We has one mo week.

Untill then, I wish to discuss how hardcore I am.

Six ways to be exact.

Don't get the Idea I'm only hardcore in these specific six ways, however for the sake of following the countdown theme.. blah blah blah...

1. Because I live Hardcore.
     You know what they say; "If you wannabe hardcore, you gotta live hardcore."

2. Because I like walking barefoot.
     I realize that there are times when it is simply more appropriate to wear shoes, so I hesitantly cover my feet. However It's not my first choice. I'm also aware that my feet sometimes look awkward, but we shall ignore that fact.

3. Because the Bible tells me so.
     The Bible says "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14) That sounds pretty hardcore to me. I don't know about you..

4. I have a secret Identity.
     SSssssshhhhhhhhh.......

5. I make fudge hardcore...ly
     Okay.. sometimes it's not all of the "hard" part.. more like ... "gooey-corely" ...

6. I dress hardcore (whilst cleaning my room)
     It is not at all uncommon to see me wearing a Jayne Cobb hat and goggles one minute while I'm cleaning my room, then come in five minutes later to me wearing my cape and have feathers stuck in my hair... (Yeah, I'm an adult.)

Well, that's my secret. Now you know. I'm hardcore to the bone.

7 Random Reasons That I am Nothing Like Princess Ariel.

Blah blah blah.. this countdown continues... Blah blah blah...

Anyway

There's been a lot of comparison as to how I AM like certain Disney princesses, and I want to make something clear. I'm not like every bratty princess out there. In fact, I'm pretty much only like the two I mentioned. And, to prove my point I shall go on to provide 7 ways that I am nothing like the Disney princess Ariel.



However, I'll tell you I could come up with a myriad more reasons we're nothin' alike. I'm merely sticking to seven for the purpose of the countdown...

Anywhoes

1! Ariel thinks she can sing.
     I, on the other hand, know that I cannot sing. I do not claim otherwise, in the least. In fact, I would be the bird they're putting out of it's misery.

2! Ariel wears bikini's
     Actually... that's not even a bikini, that's a couple of seashells... I do not have a bikini body, nor would I wear underpants as a bathing suit if I did. Don't get me wrong, I don't exactly spill out on the beach in late 19th century bathing suit get-up. But I try to have a sense of modesty.

3! Ariel can swim.
     My entire life I've not been a very good swimmer. However, in recent year I have shown some improvement. I've learned how to tread water.

4! Ariel is a whiny little brat.
     Yeah, I know I have my moments. But seriously, I'm not that bad...

5! Ariel is tiny!
     I'm a Barbra-Jean type. I could crush her with one swing of my hips. Pretty much no exaggeration.

6! She lacks common sense.
     (In my notes for this post I used the word "stupid" however, I decided to use a nicer word... ) Anyway, did she really think that that witch octopus lady was going to give her what she wanted? In a nice way? I mean, frsrsly, what a fool!

7! She is a mermaid.
     Probably the most obvious. However, it's very very true. I do not have the body of a fish.

To those of you who love Ariel, and aren't partial to my "dissing" her in any way. I am sorry for you.

However, smiles and hugs and kisses and puppy-dog tails and unicorns and rainbows and butterflies and all things sickeningly happy.

The End.

8 Random Reasons why I am like the Disney Princess Rapunzel.

The countdown continues... blah blah blah. (As seen in previous posts.. look it up...)

Today I compare myself to the Disnefied Rapunzel. Obviously not the original Grimm Brother's story.. I'm not thirteen and/or have ever been pretty much raped and now pregg'ers with twins whilst my baby daddy is wondering the woods with his eyes gouged out.

(Yes, the story really does follow that general path...)

ANYWAYYSSS.......

*Cough*

Disnefied version...

1. Rapunzel is barefoot the entire movie. 
     Again, I feel this speaks for itself. Usually I'm barefoot or wearing sandals/flip-flops. And, if I'm not, I want to be.

2. She has a thing for the color Purple.
     It doesn't really take long to figure out I absolutely adore the color Purple. I wear it nearly everyday.. (I'm wearing purple at the moment actually...)

3. She talks to herself.
     I talk to myelf. My elf? Um, I don't have an elf... I mean self... my SELF. I talk to my SELF!! If I talked to an imaginary elf that wasn't there... *whew* then we'd have a real issue on our hands...

4. Her best friend is someone you can't see all of the time.
     Take that however you want...

5. She has BIG eyes.
     I have been told that I have big eyes. However, I've also been told they weren't THAT impressive. So I'll leave this up for interpretation...

6. She likes to paint.
     I really really like painting. Whether or not what I put my hand to come out pretty, I really enjoy doing it. I also get rather excited and adrenalated (<I made up a word.) when painting.. It's like a drug.. (No, it's not the fumes.. my paints aren't that strong..)

7. She is good with a frying pan.
     I've growed up in the country.. However, my first weapon of choice to actually harm a living person with would not be a gun. I choose... FRYING PAN! And, most likely I would already be frying up a piece of bacon or something in it at the time.. It's already handy, and ready to melt someone's face off.

8. She can be a real blonde sometimes, even though she's not a natural blonde.
     I'm not saying I dye my hair.. but I have one of those weird.. not brown not blonde heads... Sometimes I'm really smart. Others I'm an idiot...

And that be thats.

The End.

Merry Christmas.

9 Random Reasons I'm a girl misplaced in time.

The countdown continues... If you do not know to which countdown I speak, refer to my last blog post.

Today I want to explain how there is no way I belong in this day and age. Though there are many numerous reasons I shall attempt to only provide nine, as specified in the discription.



1. In comparison with all the other young ladies out there, I'm an old lady.
     From the way I dress, to the way I talk, to my expectations of others. Apparently I'm just too old.

2. My language.
     Not only the fact that I try to avoid using "idk" and/or "btw" but the foulness of language looming in the air nowadays disgusts me. It just sounds gross. Completely unrefined. And, a HUGE turn off... Many many more consider this a notion that's just too far gone for today's society, or just unrealistic, I say they're just dumb.

3. My morals.
     I am what many would consider "backwoods" and "old-fashioned" when it comes to many many many things. I have been called a "prude" multiple times.

4. Old people like me.
     I'm honestly not sure why on this one. But I know a lot of older people that really like me. It's too bad none of the have billionaire grandson's to marry off. 

5. My Ideals.
     AGAIN, many find it odd, old fashioned, and I've even heard it called "selfish" to want to get married, have children, and stay at home caring for said children. (In that order!) Ihonestly don't know how someone found that "selfish" but I have heard it called such.... 0.o

6. I would rather listen to a radio station playing old hymns than modern "Christian pop"
     It's true... Not that I really have anything against Christian pop. I just like old worship songs. I'm traditional like that.

7. I'm not going to ask a guy out.
     Even though I MIGHT have asked a guy to a dance earlier this year.... *cough* Sadie Hawkins *cough* Girls ask the guys *cough* (always a surprise)

8. I generally prefer old movies.
     From Fred and Ginger to Charlie Chaplan. I just prefer the oldies.

9. I wear a pocket watch, and carry a fan.
     It's true. I do. I've spoken of my fan club before.

And that, my friends, (all three readers) is why I do not truly belong to this generation.

10 Random Reasons I'm like Princess Rose/Aurora

Hello. It's my birthday soon.... ish.

As a countdown thingy majig I'm counting the ways I am like something or another.

Today, it is ten ways I am like the Princess Aurora, as depicted my Disney.

1. She walks barefoot in the woods. 
     I don't feel I need to elaborate more on this one.

2. Her only friends are animals.
     ......
     ..........

3. Her Prince (Philip) is (In my opinion) a Van Johnson look-a-like.
     I've always liked Van Johnson.

4. She has blonde hair.
     I... kinda have blonde hair.

5. She's clumsy,
     I mean fo real, the girl just pricks her finger on a spindle! I would do that!

6. She has a beeeautiful singing voice.
     ..... Oh, yeah. Never mahnd.

6.5 She wonders a lot.
     "Wonder" not "wander" though I do both. 

7. She grew up in the woods!
     I grew up in the woods too!!!

8. She meets a guy once and falls in love with him.
     Yep. I've done that. . . . It's too bad he's currently on tour with his Irish band and has no remembrance of me.. :'(

9. She's pale.
     I've got this one in the bag!!

10. People tend to think she's older than she really is.
     I mean, she was 15 at the beginning of the movie!! Nobody remembers that detail! RAPUNZEL was older than her, but people seem to remember Aurora as being older. I've been asked what I'm majoring in by mothers since I was 14... :/