Just a Random Update.

I haven't updated this blog in over a year.

Wait, what? That was a year ago?

I could have sworn it was only about 13 months!....

Oh...

I won't lie people, it's been a rough and stressful year.

A lot has happened, both good and bad.

I transferred from a small State College to the big bad University of Central Florida. They told me I wasn't good enough for their art program, so I had to reevaluate what I am doing with my life. Which was really really hard.

(The whole weekend that happened I acted like I was going through a break up and kept eating anything chocolate we had in the house. I cried myself to sleep. It felt like a break up. It felt like Knightro himself dumped me. It was rough.)

I have been able to hold onto the same job for this last whole year--which trust me is greatly showing God's grace in my life. However, it is looking like I will not have a job for over the summer or in the fall, which will be hard, considering I'm paying my own way through school.

However, let's just be honest. My life has always been crazy. And I've never allowed that to stop me from venting to the internet. (Though I admit, not the best way to inadvertantly vent.)

I guess I should furthermore be honest with all five of you who read this. I have been embarassed of this blog. I have been embarassed for the things God has brought me through. I have been embarassed of the times I have been immature and juvenile on here.

But all of that defeats the purpose of what the whole point of my having this thing in the first place.

Being honest with the world about who I really am.

(I aught to change my blog description to that.)

Seriously, though. I have been embarassed about who I am on the inside. (though I have matured in the last year, I haven't changed all that much.)

You can look back through all of my past posts and see exactly who I am.

I am obnoxious.
I am a deep thinker.
I am an  overthinker.
I am an immature girl at times.
I struggle with God most of the time.
I am always quesitoning and requestioning God.
I am obnoxious (did I already say that?)

But in all honesty, none of those are really bad things. They might be annoying at times. They might cause myself a lot of trouble. And it may anhibbit my ability to make friends.

But I can't change who I am.

God made me this way.

And about my seemingly constant struggles with God, that is to be expected from a meaningful relationship. I am constantly having to learn new things from Him. And I don't always like what I learn, or what He wants me to learn. Hence: I struggle. I make things harder than they have to be, I look for loopholes. And I do finally follow Him. But usually I'm kicking and screaming for the first few hundred yards. 

It is not the most affective way to learn, but when I am being honest with myself, that is when I learn and mature the most. When God is dragging me kicking and screaming through the mud. When He is pulling me closer and closer to Himself. And breaking and remolding my heart.

 (Ironically, I usually ask Him to do this. I ask God to teach me things and pull me close. Then I get all mad when He does it in ways thay I was not expecting.)

Recently over the last year I have been praying in earnest for God to give me a revival in my heart. For Him to light a fire that has seemingly gone numb. Guess what? God answered that prayer.

I hated it. And to be really bluntly honest, I still am having trouble coming to terms with the way God answered it.

You guys don't need to hear the full story as to how that went about. If you really want to know you can send me a private message and we can discuss it there.

But--in short--God allowed something dear to me to be taken away. Removed from my reach. He never said I couldn't have it back. Or that He wouldn't replace it with something greater. But it was removed from my life, cold turkey.

That was rough. But somehow, somehow I made the decision that during that really hard time, I would turn to God. And He lit a revival in my heart. Just like I had been praying for. I still wish it didn't take the removal of said object to give me a wake-up call. But it did. And I am still having to come to terms, and even thank God for that.

Romans 8:28 sure is coming into practice.

I m still struggling with God on a daily basis. But do you know what that means? God loves me enough that He hasn't given up on me yet. He loves me so much He is willing to wrestle with me day by day until His lessons finally absorb into my heart.

God is more willing to struggle and face who I am on the inside than I am.

So, all of you people, I am sorry for being embarrased about who I have been, the issues I have faced, and all of the mud God has brought me through. Those are not things I should be embarassed about. Every Christian has a muddy past with God.

It is okay to be embarassed for how I reacted, or ashamed of my former sins. But I still have to live with who I am. And I can't board up my former self like a dusty basement.

Thank you all for bearing with me through this.

Peace out, I gotta go to work now.

My dying, dead, and bland love affair: An unwarranted look at my relationship with God.

Sometimes your relationship with God feels dead. Not to say or mean you are not a Christian, but it feels as though the Holy Spirit is taking this long boring nap inside of you. And nothing you do wakes Him up. You've tried all of the conventional things that make you feel alive as a Christian, reading Psalms and Proverbs, praying out loud when you're alone. Singing worship songs with deep meaningful lyrics. But it almost feels as though you're just trying to heal heart disease with a Band-Aid.

For you to feel so alone in your "relationship" (implying you're not alone) with God something must be wrong. And you know it's not God, because He is without a doubt Holy. Yet, for the life of you, you can't seem to get your spiritual heart beating again.

I cannot give a solution to such an issue. I have experienced many of these symptoms in the past and continue to experience them in my current life situation. There are few things I desire more than to be on fire for God. To have a burning passion for Him. But as much as I desire such a love affair, I simply do not have one. I have in the past, and hope to again very soon.

I can see God reminding me that He has not abandoned me. I have repeatedly seen verses magically appear and re-appear in front of me, via Good News Club memory verse, passages used at my College and Career, friends posting verse on facebook et cetera… This list of verses includes, but not limited to:

Romans 8:38-39

1 Peter 5:7

Joshua 1:9

Philippians 4:6

 All reminding me fervently that God is there, and wants so badly to love and care for me…. Yet I can't feel Him. I cry desperately for Him to set my heart afire time and time again. Song after song God plants in my head: Faithful, by Rend Collective. Heartbeat, by Remedy Drive. Let it all Out, by Relient k. Empty my Hands, by Tenth Avenue North.

I don't want to fix my heart condition with Band-Aids anymore! Lord, I want you to fix my heart! Unfortunately, having a full on heart surgery typically involves breaking some ribs. Which I hear is exceedingly painful.

Imagine a scale here.

On one side there is a lot of hurt, pain, rough roads, hard times, lonely years, most likely poverty at some point (if not multiple points). On the other side of the scale there is a steady normal life ahead of me. Graduating college debt free. Marriage to a steady hard worker. Plenty of kids with a modest house. A nice home Church we are involved in. Over-all, an oober appealing calm normal lifestyle. Which I want SO badly.

Reminder: God does not call us to normal. Nothing is ever normal in the life of a true believer.

Unfortunately God is not necessarily calling me as a Christian to simply have a lovely little family and be in a perfect Church family. God is calling me to a life of serving Him whatever the costs. A life of turmoil and grief. Surely there will be great loss and pain involved. Surely I will bear many scars because Jesus has shown me true love by dying for me, and has called me to do likewise.

Do not get me wrong, if a family of my own is in God's plan for me, you can bet that they will be absolutely adorable! (And have HORRIBLE awkward years… they'll take after me like that) But I will not SIMPLY be a mom. I will not SIMPLY be raising kids. I will be raising a whole new generation of deep thinkers, of creative minds, and of great dyslexia! And that should scare you. Because any child of mine will either stir up a great revival, or take over the world…. It will be no SIMPLE task raising my children.

This bottom line is, God has called to a life of complete un-normal, hard, craziness. And I pray (not as fervently as I should) the He prepare and set my heart ablaze with passion for whatever He has me do.

I pray He breaks my ribs and fixes my heart for Him. (Then a cute Winnie-the-Pooh Band-Aid would be nice) I pray that God not only remind me of His existence any more, but to drag me until I start running down that skinny little path towards Him.

Just because I don't get a fuzzy feeling in my heart when singing a worship song, or get all clammy and sweaty when I pray, or get ADD when I read meaningful scripture does not in any way mean that God has forgotten about me, or that He no longer has important things planned for my future.

I want a crazy love affair with the creator. I want to not just say and be willing to do crazy things in pursuit of Him, I want to actually DO them!

Call me insane, call me crazy, Call me BLAND. But my relationship with God is not dead, and not dying. But twelve years in you could say it is just beginning. 

New song just entered my head. Something Crazy, by Steven Curtis Chapman.