Just a Random Update.

I haven't updated this blog in over a year.

Wait, what? That was a year ago?

I could have sworn it was only about 13 months!....

Oh...

I won't lie people, it's been a rough and stressful year.

A lot has happened, both good and bad.

I transferred from a small State College to the big bad University of Central Florida. They told me I wasn't good enough for their art program, so I had to reevaluate what I am doing with my life. Which was really really hard.

(The whole weekend that happened I acted like I was going through a break up and kept eating anything chocolate we had in the house. I cried myself to sleep. It felt like a break up. It felt like Knightro himself dumped me. It was rough.)

I have been able to hold onto the same job for this last whole year--which trust me is greatly showing God's grace in my life. However, it is looking like I will not have a job for over the summer or in the fall, which will be hard, considering I'm paying my own way through school.

However, let's just be honest. My life has always been crazy. And I've never allowed that to stop me from venting to the internet. (Though I admit, not the best way to inadvertantly vent.)

I guess I should furthermore be honest with all five of you who read this. I have been embarassed of this blog. I have been embarassed for the things God has brought me through. I have been embarassed of the times I have been immature and juvenile on here.

But all of that defeats the purpose of what the whole point of my having this thing in the first place.

Being honest with the world about who I really am.

(I aught to change my blog description to that.)

Seriously, though. I have been embarassed about who I am on the inside. (though I have matured in the last year, I haven't changed all that much.)

You can look back through all of my past posts and see exactly who I am.

I am obnoxious.
I am a deep thinker.
I am an  overthinker.
I am an immature girl at times.
I struggle with God most of the time.
I am always quesitoning and requestioning God.
I am obnoxious (did I already say that?)

But in all honesty, none of those are really bad things. They might be annoying at times. They might cause myself a lot of trouble. And it may anhibbit my ability to make friends.

But I can't change who I am.

God made me this way.

And about my seemingly constant struggles with God, that is to be expected from a meaningful relationship. I am constantly having to learn new things from Him. And I don't always like what I learn, or what He wants me to learn. Hence: I struggle. I make things harder than they have to be, I look for loopholes. And I do finally follow Him. But usually I'm kicking and screaming for the first few hundred yards. 

It is not the most affective way to learn, but when I am being honest with myself, that is when I learn and mature the most. When God is dragging me kicking and screaming through the mud. When He is pulling me closer and closer to Himself. And breaking and remolding my heart.

 (Ironically, I usually ask Him to do this. I ask God to teach me things and pull me close. Then I get all mad when He does it in ways thay I was not expecting.)

Recently over the last year I have been praying in earnest for God to give me a revival in my heart. For Him to light a fire that has seemingly gone numb. Guess what? God answered that prayer.

I hated it. And to be really bluntly honest, I still am having trouble coming to terms with the way God answered it.

You guys don't need to hear the full story as to how that went about. If you really want to know you can send me a private message and we can discuss it there.

But--in short--God allowed something dear to me to be taken away. Removed from my reach. He never said I couldn't have it back. Or that He wouldn't replace it with something greater. But it was removed from my life, cold turkey.

That was rough. But somehow, somehow I made the decision that during that really hard time, I would turn to God. And He lit a revival in my heart. Just like I had been praying for. I still wish it didn't take the removal of said object to give me a wake-up call. But it did. And I am still having to come to terms, and even thank God for that.

Romans 8:28 sure is coming into practice.

I m still struggling with God on a daily basis. But do you know what that means? God loves me enough that He hasn't given up on me yet. He loves me so much He is willing to wrestle with me day by day until His lessons finally absorb into my heart.

God is more willing to struggle and face who I am on the inside than I am.

So, all of you people, I am sorry for being embarrased about who I have been, the issues I have faced, and all of the mud God has brought me through. Those are not things I should be embarassed about. Every Christian has a muddy past with God.

It is okay to be embarassed for how I reacted, or ashamed of my former sins. But I still have to live with who I am. And I can't board up my former self like a dusty basement.

Thank you all for bearing with me through this.

Peace out, I gotta go to work now.

Doctor Who, #YOLO, and Rabbit Trails.

As of late, many of my siblings and I have immersed ourselves into the world of Doctor Who.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show's premise it follows the adventures and mishaps of a quirky alien with two hearts who calls himself "The Doctor" and avoids death at every turn. On the rare event that the Doctor cannot avoid death he may then "regenerate" into another body, thus escaping such a tragedy.

Instead of You Only Live Once, it's You'll Only Live As Long As You Regenerate.

#YOLALAYR

The show never even tries to be close to real life. The Doctor's nemesis's are over-sized garbage cans turned upside down with a plunger strapped to one side and wisk on the other, for crying out loud!!

It's a good thing it doesn't claim to be too real. Because, we don't have #YOLALAYR. We have it's more sad realization #YOLO. Only once. Not twice. Not three times. No do overs or second chances.

Very sadly enough we each only have one life to do with as we please. And even more sadly, I can't decide what you do with your life.

I can't constantly hit you upside the head with a Louisville slugger every time you make an unwise decision. That's right. It's your decision. Though, whoever decided it was your decision to be stupid.... hmm....

I wonder how often God feels like this. He gives us advice and guidance directly through the Bible, as well as through our own walk with Him. Yet, we are idiots. We are so lucky to have the ultimate example spelled out in black and white (and red). We have it on our phones, mp3 devices, tablets, e-readers. We have email reminders, we receive the verse of the day texts. We wear t-shirts with verses tacked onto them. We have absolutely every convenience known to man and yet we still use every possible excuse... or "reason" to delay actually delving face first into just reading, studying, enthrolling ourselves in the word of the Lord.

I realize all too well that merely opening your Bible doesn't make your life better. And I know first hand that sometimes it's hard to make time for God.

Pause ▐▐

Perhaps this is where our troubles lay?

We should not be "making time for God". Ideally we should be so deep and enthralled in Him that it's everything else we are making time for.

I have nothing else to say.

Grace Grace Moore? That makes about as much sense as a one legged reindeer.

I don't always get right to sleep when I climb into bed. Often times I will be lying in bed for hours trying to get to sleep, I'll distract myself by reading, writing, doodling... and being a girl I usually just end up thinking a lot.

(Now I'm not implying that guys don't think... But clearly they just don't think as much.)

Most of these "thinking" episodes involve me analyzing myself. And I'll tell you a secret, I don't usually like what I see. I am not a super insecure person. I was when I was younger, but I was very fortunate in that God helped me through almost all of that before I graduated High-School. But I look at myself, and the way I live my life, the way I treat my friends, my relationship with God and I think:

"Wow, I am not a good person at all."

And I further this by wondering:

"Why do people even like me?" And "How do I even have friends?"

I'll tell you how, by the grace of God, that's how. I'm not very good at just accepting God's graces. I don't deserve that! I should die!! I'm a terrible person! I know I'm forgiven, I'm eternally grateful for that, honestly. You know people like to say we're "washed clean with God's grace." But I like how I heard my brother put it once, "Being water-boarded with God's grace." All I'm thinking is how much longer can this go? How much longer can I be forgiven? 'Cus I'll tell ya, it's been well over seventy times seven times...

It's all irony too. Has anyone every noticed how God likes irony? You see, my middle name is "Grace". What's more than that is my first name is "Hannah" which means grace. So my name is Grace Grace Moore.

Wait, what?

You're saying I have more grace than anyone else? Because that makes about as much sense as a one legged reindeer... (a.k.a. not much sense) ... I'm terrible at showing grace! I'm terrible at accepting grace, and I'm not even a graceful person in general! (I trip on everything!!)

So why does God show me and anyone else grace? Because he loves us.

Why does he love us? Don't ask me, but I'm glad he does!

May my prayer this week be that God gives me the same love for those around me that He has. That way, showing grace may come more easily.

THE END.