My dying, dead, and bland love affair: An unwarranted look at my relationship with God.

Sometimes your relationship with God feels dead. Not to say or mean you are not a Christian, but it feels as though the Holy Spirit is taking this long boring nap inside of you. And nothing you do wakes Him up. You've tried all of the conventional things that make you feel alive as a Christian, reading Psalms and Proverbs, praying out loud when you're alone. Singing worship songs with deep meaningful lyrics. But it almost feels as though you're just trying to heal heart disease with a Band-Aid.

For you to feel so alone in your "relationship" (implying you're not alone) with God something must be wrong. And you know it's not God, because He is without a doubt Holy. Yet, for the life of you, you can't seem to get your spiritual heart beating again.

I cannot give a solution to such an issue. I have experienced many of these symptoms in the past and continue to experience them in my current life situation. There are few things I desire more than to be on fire for God. To have a burning passion for Him. But as much as I desire such a love affair, I simply do not have one. I have in the past, and hope to again very soon.

I can see God reminding me that He has not abandoned me. I have repeatedly seen verses magically appear and re-appear in front of me, via Good News Club memory verse, passages used at my College and Career, friends posting verse on facebook et cetera… This list of verses includes, but not limited to:

Romans 8:38-39

1 Peter 5:7

Joshua 1:9

Philippians 4:6

 All reminding me fervently that God is there, and wants so badly to love and care for me…. Yet I can't feel Him. I cry desperately for Him to set my heart afire time and time again. Song after song God plants in my head: Faithful, by Rend Collective. Heartbeat, by Remedy Drive. Let it all Out, by Relient k. Empty my Hands, by Tenth Avenue North.

I don't want to fix my heart condition with Band-Aids anymore! Lord, I want you to fix my heart! Unfortunately, having a full on heart surgery typically involves breaking some ribs. Which I hear is exceedingly painful.

Imagine a scale here.

On one side there is a lot of hurt, pain, rough roads, hard times, lonely years, most likely poverty at some point (if not multiple points). On the other side of the scale there is a steady normal life ahead of me. Graduating college debt free. Marriage to a steady hard worker. Plenty of kids with a modest house. A nice home Church we are involved in. Over-all, an oober appealing calm normal lifestyle. Which I want SO badly.

Reminder: God does not call us to normal. Nothing is ever normal in the life of a true believer.

Unfortunately God is not necessarily calling me as a Christian to simply have a lovely little family and be in a perfect Church family. God is calling me to a life of serving Him whatever the costs. A life of turmoil and grief. Surely there will be great loss and pain involved. Surely I will bear many scars because Jesus has shown me true love by dying for me, and has called me to do likewise.

Do not get me wrong, if a family of my own is in God's plan for me, you can bet that they will be absolutely adorable! (And have HORRIBLE awkward years… they'll take after me like that) But I will not SIMPLY be a mom. I will not SIMPLY be raising kids. I will be raising a whole new generation of deep thinkers, of creative minds, and of great dyslexia! And that should scare you. Because any child of mine will either stir up a great revival, or take over the world…. It will be no SIMPLE task raising my children.

This bottom line is, God has called to a life of complete un-normal, hard, craziness. And I pray (not as fervently as I should) the He prepare and set my heart ablaze with passion for whatever He has me do.

I pray He breaks my ribs and fixes my heart for Him. (Then a cute Winnie-the-Pooh Band-Aid would be nice) I pray that God not only remind me of His existence any more, but to drag me until I start running down that skinny little path towards Him.

Just because I don't get a fuzzy feeling in my heart when singing a worship song, or get all clammy and sweaty when I pray, or get ADD when I read meaningful scripture does not in any way mean that God has forgotten about me, or that He no longer has important things planned for my future.

I want a crazy love affair with the creator. I want to not just say and be willing to do crazy things in pursuit of Him, I want to actually DO them!

Call me insane, call me crazy, Call me BLAND. But my relationship with God is not dead, and not dying. But twelve years in you could say it is just beginning. 

New song just entered my head. Something Crazy, by Steven Curtis Chapman.

Doctor Who, #YOLO, and Rabbit Trails.

As of late, many of my siblings and I have immersed ourselves into the world of Doctor Who.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show's premise it follows the adventures and mishaps of a quirky alien with two hearts who calls himself "The Doctor" and avoids death at every turn. On the rare event that the Doctor cannot avoid death he may then "regenerate" into another body, thus escaping such a tragedy.

Instead of You Only Live Once, it's You'll Only Live As Long As You Regenerate.

#YOLALAYR

The show never even tries to be close to real life. The Doctor's nemesis's are over-sized garbage cans turned upside down with a plunger strapped to one side and wisk on the other, for crying out loud!!

It's a good thing it doesn't claim to be too real. Because, we don't have #YOLALAYR. We have it's more sad realization #YOLO. Only once. Not twice. Not three times. No do overs or second chances.

Very sadly enough we each only have one life to do with as we please. And even more sadly, I can't decide what you do with your life.

I can't constantly hit you upside the head with a Louisville slugger every time you make an unwise decision. That's right. It's your decision. Though, whoever decided it was your decision to be stupid.... hmm....

I wonder how often God feels like this. He gives us advice and guidance directly through the Bible, as well as through our own walk with Him. Yet, we are idiots. We are so lucky to have the ultimate example spelled out in black and white (and red). We have it on our phones, mp3 devices, tablets, e-readers. We have email reminders, we receive the verse of the day texts. We wear t-shirts with verses tacked onto them. We have absolutely every convenience known to man and yet we still use every possible excuse... or "reason" to delay actually delving face first into just reading, studying, enthrolling ourselves in the word of the Lord.

I realize all too well that merely opening your Bible doesn't make your life better. And I know first hand that sometimes it's hard to make time for God.

Pause ▐▐

Perhaps this is where our troubles lay?

We should not be "making time for God". Ideally we should be so deep and enthralled in Him that it's everything else we are making time for.

I have nothing else to say.

Grace Grace Moore? That makes about as much sense as a one legged reindeer.

I don't always get right to sleep when I climb into bed. Often times I will be lying in bed for hours trying to get to sleep, I'll distract myself by reading, writing, doodling... and being a girl I usually just end up thinking a lot.

(Now I'm not implying that guys don't think... But clearly they just don't think as much.)

Most of these "thinking" episodes involve me analyzing myself. And I'll tell you a secret, I don't usually like what I see. I am not a super insecure person. I was when I was younger, but I was very fortunate in that God helped me through almost all of that before I graduated High-School. But I look at myself, and the way I live my life, the way I treat my friends, my relationship with God and I think:

"Wow, I am not a good person at all."

And I further this by wondering:

"Why do people even like me?" And "How do I even have friends?"

I'll tell you how, by the grace of God, that's how. I'm not very good at just accepting God's graces. I don't deserve that! I should die!! I'm a terrible person! I know I'm forgiven, I'm eternally grateful for that, honestly. You know people like to say we're "washed clean with God's grace." But I like how I heard my brother put it once, "Being water-boarded with God's grace." All I'm thinking is how much longer can this go? How much longer can I be forgiven? 'Cus I'll tell ya, it's been well over seventy times seven times...

It's all irony too. Has anyone every noticed how God likes irony? You see, my middle name is "Grace". What's more than that is my first name is "Hannah" which means grace. So my name is Grace Grace Moore.

Wait, what?

You're saying I have more grace than anyone else? Because that makes about as much sense as a one legged reindeer... (a.k.a. not much sense) ... I'm terrible at showing grace! I'm terrible at accepting grace, and I'm not even a graceful person in general! (I trip on everything!!)

So why does God show me and anyone else grace? Because he loves us.

Why does he love us? Don't ask me, but I'm glad he does!

May my prayer this week be that God gives me the same love for those around me that He has. That way, showing grace may come more easily.

THE END.