Just a Random Update.

I haven't updated this blog in over a year.

Wait, what? That was a year ago?

I could have sworn it was only about 13 months!....

Oh...

I won't lie people, it's been a rough and stressful year.

A lot has happened, both good and bad.

I transferred from a small State College to the big bad University of Central Florida. They told me I wasn't good enough for their art program, so I had to reevaluate what I am doing with my life. Which was really really hard.

(The whole weekend that happened I acted like I was going through a break up and kept eating anything chocolate we had in the house. I cried myself to sleep. It felt like a break up. It felt like Knightro himself dumped me. It was rough.)

I have been able to hold onto the same job for this last whole year--which trust me is greatly showing God's grace in my life. However, it is looking like I will not have a job for over the summer or in the fall, which will be hard, considering I'm paying my own way through school.

However, let's just be honest. My life has always been crazy. And I've never allowed that to stop me from venting to the internet. (Though I admit, not the best way to inadvertantly vent.)

I guess I should furthermore be honest with all five of you who read this. I have been embarassed of this blog. I have been embarassed for the things God has brought me through. I have been embarassed of the times I have been immature and juvenile on here.

But all of that defeats the purpose of what the whole point of my having this thing in the first place.

Being honest with the world about who I really am.

(I aught to change my blog description to that.)

Seriously, though. I have been embarassed about who I am on the inside. (though I have matured in the last year, I haven't changed all that much.)

You can look back through all of my past posts and see exactly who I am.

I am obnoxious.
I am a deep thinker.
I am an  overthinker.
I am an immature girl at times.
I struggle with God most of the time.
I am always quesitoning and requestioning God.
I am obnoxious (did I already say that?)

But in all honesty, none of those are really bad things. They might be annoying at times. They might cause myself a lot of trouble. And it may anhibbit my ability to make friends.

But I can't change who I am.

God made me this way.

And about my seemingly constant struggles with God, that is to be expected from a meaningful relationship. I am constantly having to learn new things from Him. And I don't always like what I learn, or what He wants me to learn. Hence: I struggle. I make things harder than they have to be, I look for loopholes. And I do finally follow Him. But usually I'm kicking and screaming for the first few hundred yards. 

It is not the most affective way to learn, but when I am being honest with myself, that is when I learn and mature the most. When God is dragging me kicking and screaming through the mud. When He is pulling me closer and closer to Himself. And breaking and remolding my heart.

 (Ironically, I usually ask Him to do this. I ask God to teach me things and pull me close. Then I get all mad when He does it in ways thay I was not expecting.)

Recently over the last year I have been praying in earnest for God to give me a revival in my heart. For Him to light a fire that has seemingly gone numb. Guess what? God answered that prayer.

I hated it. And to be really bluntly honest, I still am having trouble coming to terms with the way God answered it.

You guys don't need to hear the full story as to how that went about. If you really want to know you can send me a private message and we can discuss it there.

But--in short--God allowed something dear to me to be taken away. Removed from my reach. He never said I couldn't have it back. Or that He wouldn't replace it with something greater. But it was removed from my life, cold turkey.

That was rough. But somehow, somehow I made the decision that during that really hard time, I would turn to God. And He lit a revival in my heart. Just like I had been praying for. I still wish it didn't take the removal of said object to give me a wake-up call. But it did. And I am still having to come to terms, and even thank God for that.

Romans 8:28 sure is coming into practice.

I m still struggling with God on a daily basis. But do you know what that means? God loves me enough that He hasn't given up on me yet. He loves me so much He is willing to wrestle with me day by day until His lessons finally absorb into my heart.

God is more willing to struggle and face who I am on the inside than I am.

So, all of you people, I am sorry for being embarrased about who I have been, the issues I have faced, and all of the mud God has brought me through. Those are not things I should be embarassed about. Every Christian has a muddy past with God.

It is okay to be embarassed for how I reacted, or ashamed of my former sins. But I still have to live with who I am. And I can't board up my former self like a dusty basement.

Thank you all for bearing with me through this.

Peace out, I gotta go to work now.

Let it Go - An Inspiring Song

No doubt the title of this post will attract several readers. I hate to disappoint you, but the song that I speak of is not from an animated princess movie about a queen making selfish decisions.

Side note: don't hate on me too much for that. Queen Elsa did make very selfish decisions throughout the movie. I am not saying that she wasn't in frustrating positions, hard positions, or scary positions. But simply put, hiding away is the selfish decision. Lashing out is the easy thing to do. Running away is even worse. Many many people "relate" so well to her because all they want to do is hide away from the world they've conformed so well to, and to lash out at it when they are faced with harsh realities of being an adult. You may find that harsh, it is. But it's true. In the end, Elsa began making wise decisions and that is to her credit, and although I can see WHY she made some of her former decisions, that does not make them any less selfish.

(Please don't argue that fact with me, you'll get no where)

Side Side note: I did rather enjoy the movie Frozen, I am not in any way trying to bash it.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I said something about an inspiring song named "Let it Go" and you thought I was talking about the song from frozen.The song I speak of is about someone who needs to let go of something. In fact, the song I speak of is very similar to the song from Frozen.

The song from Frozen describes a predicament. A tough situation in which there seems to be no right answer. In fact, I personally can relate to the song and appreciate it a great deal. I probably would be obsessed with it, if it had come out when I was in highschool. However, I do not feel it gives a true answer to the predicament that Elsa faces. Obviously, the movie even paints that picture. Hiding out in her legit ice castle left the kingdom in a winter wonderland that was becoming more of a winter wasteland. The reason it is not my life theme song at the moment is because mine is still "When Will my Life Begin" from Tangled. ... Just kidding. It's because When I was in highschool I found the answer to my problems. I cannot say I always apply the answer, which is to my discredit.

The Tenth Ave North song "Let it Go" offers an answer to such a problem.

I will let these song lyrics speak for themselves.

I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.

Well it's hard enough to hear
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul.

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

Running and hiding is not the answer to our problems. And niether is holding on tight to them. The only way to truly free yourself of a problem is to relinquish control to God. God loves you, and wants you to trust in Him, He wants you to trust that He knows what is best for any situation you have. God knows the "what if's" of our lives and knows what is best for our future, even if it makes no earthly sense to our little minds.