Part 2: Encouragement is a raindrop, not a flood.

I have been praying lately for encouragement. Not just momentary encouragement, but something to really plant some daisies in my garden. Although it wasn't a daisy, I saw a seed on Friday.

We have been praying a lot lately for our Good News Club. This last Friday we were short on help, I was feeling sick yet had to present the Gospel clearly through a Bible story when all I wanted to do was curl up under my light blue comforter and throw a pity party, complete with tears and cries of exhaustion. Between school, work, and volunteering lately I've barely had rest. Yet I can't bear to give up any of the three. Anyway, the first excitement came when a kindergartener that hadn't attended since last October came! His family had sent a note in the fall saying that he didn't want to come to Good News Club anymore. If any one of you could see the excitement in his eyes when we sang or learned about the Bible you would have no doubt that that message was fabricated, and that there was some other reason he was being denied this club. I was pretty enraged by the note. But so excited to see him return!

His grandmother had brought him and was sitting in the room as we conducted club. For me that was nerve wrecking! I really dislike talking in front of lots of people. With children it is not so bad, because they don't really know when you've messed up... But adults do. So I just 'blocked' her out of my  head and continued club like it was just a bunch of little kids. After the Bible story I gave an invitation to receive Christ, and told the group of about 35 kids that if they wanted to know more about how they could have their sins cleaned out and forgiven then they could come and talk to me in the back of the auditorium.

So, I sang a song with them and moved to the back of the auditorium with my Bible. Sure enough, as soon as I sat down up comes the little kindergartener boy! In a counseling situation like this, the first thing you do is ask the child why they came to talk to you. If they are genuinely convicted, they will know exactly why, because they want to have their heart cleaned from sin. But often times we have them answer something like "because I like sitting next to you!" or "Because I want to learn more about God."

A Child's heart is a delicate thing, and you can't force salvation on them, they will leave thinking they are "saved" (whatever that means to them) and not understanding the Gospel at all. Usually in such situations you just tell the child to rejoin the group, and they will happily oblige. When I asked this little boy why he came to talk to me, he looked up at me with big eyes and was silent. After a pause he answered, "I can't remember."

The walk to the back of the room after an invitation is given is a brave one. It singles you out from the rest of club, ESPECIALLY if you are a six year old who was sitting next to you grandmother, and left her side to talk to a practical stranger. I looked into this little boy's eyes and could just see the Holy Spirit at work.

Unfortunately... my years of Child Evangelism Fellowship training ran out of my brain and hid at this point... I completely forgot ALL of the counseling proceedures. I decided that he clearly was right in between accepting Jesus and ... well, not yet accepting Jesus. I began to ask him questions about the Gospel and as far as I could tell, he understood it quite well. I asked him if he had ever asked Jesus to forgive his sins and he said that he and his brother had... Although coming from a six year old I have to take into account he may just be telling me what he thinks I want to hear. He went on to say he could do so everyday...

I tried to explain to him that God doesn't just listen to your words when you pray, He looks at your heart. So even if you feel like you may have used the wrong words, God understands what is in your heart. And that once God has come into your heart and cleaned out your sin He never leaves, so you don't have to re-ask Him to come in. I showed him a verse in Hebrews where God promises to never leave us: "I will never leave you." And showed him how he could say the verse by putting one word to each of his fingers... He memorized it almost immediately. That was a bright, smart little boy. And although I am still unsure of his exact spiritual stance, I am confident that the Lord has planted a seed deep inside of him, and that God has been and will continue to be at work in his heart.

After I talked to him, his grandmother came to ask me about what he talked to me about... I explained to her what we talked about and she just stood inside of my personal bubble, and looked at me, and said,

"You're wonderful, do you know that?"

I wasn't really sure of how to respond.

She went on to tell me she was amazed at what I was doing with the children and that I have a real "gift". She had even gotten up to talk to my mom about it during my Bible story. (wut?) Aparently my mom told her all about me (I suppose my story was longer than I thought it was...) because this woman I had never spoken to before went on to tell me that she used to be a Graphic Designer! (double wut)

Like, no, seriously... what are the odds there?

What did she tell me?

"It won't be easy!" she warned.

Yeah... Real encouragement!

She began telling me about all of the frustration she used to have at her job. (she used to design fabric prints and patterns) She told me that her boss used to be extremely critical and demanding on everything. Yet, even under such great pressure and trial she knew that God was using the people around her as "unpaid guardians of her soul" ... I won't pretend to completely understand what she meant... I kind of just smiled and nodded since at the time the only real things my mind could process was how tired I was, and how close to me she was standing... :/

I will be praying for her and her grandson. I trust that God put her there to tell me that at that at that specific moment... even if I don't understand why yet, the facts are just to random to be... random.

Although God's encouragement isn't coming at me in tidal waves or great floods. I can occasionally see a raindrop.

I ask that you be praying for me, that I can see these raindrops instead of forming a one man pity party. Too many raindrops are missed in our lives, because the only thing we can see is our own struggles, our own business. Pray not just for me, but that we can all spot these small forms of encouragement in our lives. I know that I am not the only one struggling with constant discouragement this semester, or this year, or even decade.

I am sorry to have published such a long boring post, but as I have always claimed, this IS the blog of random things. and these ARE the random things that have been on my mind.

Part 1: Discouragement is an uphill battle.

Discouragement is a hard thing to cure.

In fact, I'm not absolutely convinced that it can be "cured".

I have been extremely discouraged for about as long as I can remember.

From Tenth Avenue North's song, "Worn"

Discouraged for various reasons, though. It seems as if as soon as I am finished being discouraged in one aspect of my life, discouragement comes in another shape, form, subject, whatever you call it. And very rarely have I ever truly felt encouraged.

I HAVE had people try to encourage me, and I genuinely appreciate their effort, but sometimes it is as if discouragement is unaffected by words. As if it doesn't understand human language.

Growing up there were/are so many aspects about myself that I have disliked but couldn't change. This has always been a huge source of my discouragement.

I've always been bored to yawns by my name. "Hannah" ... it is just so boring. That's not the name of a great artist, or novelist, or anyone epic... Just some woman who was barren in the Bible. (Yeah, yeah, I know, she had Samuel)

I absolutely hated being my current size at the age of 12. I have matured to fit my weight and height now, but at the time I was this straight, thick, acne covered girl with braces and a big forehead. Needless to say, I am still an incredibly awkward person, unfortunately I am able to hide that fact just enough so that when I first meet people they can't tell, then as they "get to know me" I come off as obnoxious and creepy. Furtherly needless to say, I've always (probably even more so now than then) had trouble making real friends. I do not mean to offend anyone I know, I know a lot of people. But I do not have anyone I can think of that I could wake up in the middle of the night if I really needed someone to talk to.

I started attending college courses when I was 16 and graduated high school with over 30 college credits. I wanted in my heart to major in art with the possibility of a specialization in illustration. But a few things have stood in my way. 1. Being a complete lack in artistic talent. I'm not saying I'm a horrible artist, I'm just being honest. I am not talented at art. I am talented with creativity. And I am a creative person who wants to fine tune my "ability" (because everyone has the ability to do something if they try hard enough) and combine it with my imaginative and creative thinking to create art. However, unless you're truly talented a degree in "Studio Art" probably won't land you a job. Which leads me to the second reason I didn't major in art. 2. My parents weren't thrilled with the idea. Now, don't misunderstand me, my parents did not forbid me from majoring in Studio Art, but I have followed their suggestion and chosen "Graphic Design." Something that is more likely to have job oppertunities after graduation.

Ironically, the Graphic Design program at UCF is much more prestigious than their "Studio Art" degree, so I have to take a whole 'nother year of courses to create a portfolio to submit in the spring of 2015 and MAYBE they will accept me into their "very competitive" program. Meanwhile, as I take full course load and balance three dirty jobs that barely offer 11 hours of work a week, Bob here gets a full paid scholarship... because he was public schooled, and his parents could afford hundreds of dollars worth of tutoring for the SAT. Did you know that homeschoolers have to score higher on the SAT than public or private schoolers for the same benefits? (That's a whole other rant, though)

(Note: Bob is a made up generic person)

But seriously, who am I kidding?? After all of this hard work that MIGHT pay off I'm not even really going to want to get a job at all! I'll really just want to get married, have a family, and be a stay at home mom. You don't need a degree to do that! You don't need a job to do that. I don't even have to finish college to get married.

What's worse is that the older I get the more the possibility of finding a suitable Godly young man is shrinking.

I know what you're thinking.. I'm over reacting at the age of 19 that I'll never get married. Yes, I am. But with good reason. My mom was married when she was my age. And the dwindling amount of guys who not only can look past all of my weirdness and want to pursue me, but also want to settle down and raise a family with a million and two kids, on top of adopting every abandoned child we meet along the way as well as homeschool them all AND be mature enough to support that family?? Those men just don't exist. And IF they do exist, they are either not single or have already met their future wife on christianmingle or at a homeschool convention. I suppose I should have attended more of those growing up.

I am not saying there aren't Godly young men in the world. I know many very amiable Christian men. My predicament lies in that they either have no interest in me, or have no interest in the ministries God has put quite heavily on my heart, or that we cannot agree on aspects of theology or morals past that. Although it is not a need to agree on everything, there are quite honestly a few things that NEED to be agreed on, such as birth-control, and other aspects that would immediately effect a marriage and family life.

So, when I finally graduate,what will my options be? I, quite honestly, have not a single (or married) fudgepuddling clue. Every time I turn around God has thrown another obstacle in my path without hint of what He wants me to do or where He would have me go.

You may not believe this, but I will go wherever He tells me to. He just has to tell me!

I do not say all of this to throw a pity party. Trust me, those are just cold and lonely. As a girl growing up I had to move past what others thought of me.

We already addressed that I had the "awkward years" of a toad and was extremely discouraged by the way I was perceived by others. However, God did show me (when I was 16) that it literally doesn't mean a single thing to Him about what other people think of me. That I was beautifully made by Him. Beautifully. I still feel to this day though, that mirrors must distort what we see. Because I don't always feel "beautiful" despite the fact that He tells me I am. I have days where I want to hide the plushness of my stomach behind random objects because the world says that if you have a pudge at all, you're fat. I still have days where I don't want to interact with human beings at all for fear of breaking down in tears without any legible reason... I'm such a girl.

However, what I hope to illustrate to anyone who has the guts to read this all of the way through is that I am my worst critic. Period.

Most people would argue to me that I am really thin, that I am gorgeous, that I am artistically talented, and so on.

Yet none of those opinions matter to me, ... because I know it is only what God thinks that matters. The only voice I can never block out is my own. I can block out the world. I can block out you. I cannot block my own over opinionated thoughts of myself.

Again, I am not trying to throw a pity party, please bear with my nonsensical and endless jabbering. Because I hope to show that in all of this constant discouragement that I receive daily from MYSELF,  God is not silent. Perhaps not always loud. But not silent.

To be continued.

Ode to Pen: I just stole a pen.

I just found a pen
I can't forget the time or place
Where I picked it up
It's just the pen for me
And want all the world to see
My new pen

 mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm

Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
And I'd have never found my pen
But as it is I'll draw my dreams

 Tonight, di-di-di-di'n'di

Drawin', yes I am drawin'
And it keeps calling
Me back again

I have never known
The like of this, I've used pencils
And I have missed things
And kept out of sight
But other pens were never quite
Like this, da-da-n'da-da'n'da

Drawin', yes I am drawin'
And it keeps calling
Me back again

Drawin', yes I am drawin'
And it keeps calling
Me back again

I just found a pen
I can't forget the time or place
Where I picked it up
It's just the pen for me
And want all the world to see
My new pen

 mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm

Drawin', yes I am drawin'
And it keeps calling
Me back again
Drawin', yes I am drawin'
And it keeps calling
Me back again
Oh, drawin', yes I am drawin'
And it keeps calling
Me back again

This may or may not be a parallel song to "I've just seen a face" by The Beatles.