I haven't updated this blog in over a year.
Wait, what? That was a year ago?
I could have sworn it was only about 13 months!....
Oh...
I won't lie people, it's been a rough and stressful year.
A lot has happened, both good and bad.
I transferred from a small State College to the big bad University of Central Florida. They told me I wasn't good enough for their art program, so I had to reevaluate what I am doing with my life. Which was really really hard.
(The whole weekend that happened I acted like I was going through a break up and kept eating anything chocolate we had in the house. I cried myself to sleep. It felt like a break up. It felt like Knightro himself dumped me. It was rough.)
I have been able to hold onto the same job for this last whole year--which trust me is greatly showing God's grace in my life. However, it is looking like I will not have a job for over the summer or in the fall, which will be hard, considering I'm paying my own way through school.
However, let's just be honest. My life has always been crazy. And I've never allowed that to stop me from venting to the internet. (Though I admit, not the best way to inadvertantly vent.)
I guess I should furthermore be honest with all five of you who read this. I have been embarassed of this blog. I have been embarassed for the things God has brought me through. I have been embarassed of the times I have been immature and juvenile on here.
But all of that defeats the purpose of what the whole point of my having this thing in the first place.
Being honest with the world about who I really am.
(I aught to change my blog description to that.)
Seriously, though. I have been embarassed about who I am on the inside. (though I have matured in the last year, I haven't changed all that much.)
You can look back through all of my past posts and see exactly who I am.
I am obnoxious.
I am a deep thinker.
I am an overthinker.
I am an immature girl at times.
I struggle with God most of the time.
I am always quesitoning and requestioning God.
I am obnoxious (did I already say that?)
But in all honesty, none of those are really bad things. They might be annoying at times. They might cause myself a lot of trouble. And it may anhibbit my ability to make friends.
But I can't change who I am.
God made me this way.
And about my seemingly constant struggles with God, that is to be expected from a meaningful relationship. I am constantly having to learn new things from Him. And I don't always like what I learn, or what He wants me to learn. Hence: I struggle. I make things harder than they have to be, I look for loopholes. And I do finally follow Him. But usually I'm kicking and screaming for the first few hundred yards.
It is not the most affective way to learn, but when I am being honest with myself, that is when I learn and mature the most. When God is dragging me kicking and screaming through the mud. When He is pulling me closer and closer to Himself. And breaking and remolding my heart.
(Ironically, I usually ask Him to do this. I ask God to teach me things and pull me close. Then I get all mad when He does it in ways thay I was not expecting.)
Recently over the last year I have been praying in earnest for God to give me a revival in my heart. For Him to light a fire that has seemingly gone numb. Guess what? God answered that prayer.
I hated it. And to be really bluntly honest, I still am having trouble coming to terms with the way God answered it.
You guys don't need to hear the full story as to how that went about. If you really want to know you can send me a private message and we can discuss it there.
But--in short--God allowed something dear to me to be taken away. Removed from my reach. He never said I couldn't have it back. Or that He wouldn't replace it with something greater. But it was removed from my life, cold turkey.
That was rough. But somehow, somehow I made the decision that during that really hard time, I would turn to God. And He lit a revival in my heart. Just like I had been praying for. I still wish it didn't take the removal of said object to give me a wake-up call. But it did. And I am still having to come to terms, and even thank God for that.
Romans 8:28 sure is coming into practice.
I m still struggling with God on a daily basis. But do you know what that means? God loves me enough that He hasn't given up on me yet. He loves me so much He is willing to wrestle with me day by day until His lessons finally absorb into my heart.
God is more willing to struggle and face who I am on the inside than I am.
So, all of you people, I am sorry for being embarrased about who I have been, the issues I have faced, and all of the mud God has brought me through. Those are not things I should be embarassed about. Every Christian has a muddy past with God.
It is okay to be embarassed for how I reacted, or ashamed of my former sins. But I still have to live with who I am. And I can't board up my former self like a dusty basement.
Thank you all for bearing with me through this.
Peace out, I gotta go to work now.
