My dying, dead, and bland love affair: An unwarranted look at my relationship with God.

Sometimes your relationship with God feels dead. Not to say or mean you are not a Christian, but it feels as though the Holy Spirit is taking this long boring nap inside of you. And nothing you do wakes Him up. You've tried all of the conventional things that make you feel alive as a Christian, reading Psalms and Proverbs, praying out loud when you're alone. Singing worship songs with deep meaningful lyrics. But it almost feels as though you're just trying to heal heart disease with a Band-Aid.

For you to feel so alone in your "relationship" (implying you're not alone) with God something must be wrong. And you know it's not God, because He is without a doubt Holy. Yet, for the life of you, you can't seem to get your spiritual heart beating again.

I cannot give a solution to such an issue. I have experienced many of these symptoms in the past and continue to experience them in my current life situation. There are few things I desire more than to be on fire for God. To have a burning passion for Him. But as much as I desire such a love affair, I simply do not have one. I have in the past, and hope to again very soon.

I can see God reminding me that He has not abandoned me. I have repeatedly seen verses magically appear and re-appear in front of me, via Good News Club memory verse, passages used at my College and Career, friends posting verse on facebook et cetera… This list of verses includes, but not limited to:

Romans 8:38-39

1 Peter 5:7

Joshua 1:9

Philippians 4:6

 All reminding me fervently that God is there, and wants so badly to love and care for me…. Yet I can't feel Him. I cry desperately for Him to set my heart afire time and time again. Song after song God plants in my head: Faithful, by Rend Collective. Heartbeat, by Remedy Drive. Let it all Out, by Relient k. Empty my Hands, by Tenth Avenue North.

I don't want to fix my heart condition with Band-Aids anymore! Lord, I want you to fix my heart! Unfortunately, having a full on heart surgery typically involves breaking some ribs. Which I hear is exceedingly painful.

Imagine a scale here.

On one side there is a lot of hurt, pain, rough roads, hard times, lonely years, most likely poverty at some point (if not multiple points). On the other side of the scale there is a steady normal life ahead of me. Graduating college debt free. Marriage to a steady hard worker. Plenty of kids with a modest house. A nice home Church we are involved in. Over-all, an oober appealing calm normal lifestyle. Which I want SO badly.

Reminder: God does not call us to normal. Nothing is ever normal in the life of a true believer.

Unfortunately God is not necessarily calling me as a Christian to simply have a lovely little family and be in a perfect Church family. God is calling me to a life of serving Him whatever the costs. A life of turmoil and grief. Surely there will be great loss and pain involved. Surely I will bear many scars because Jesus has shown me true love by dying for me, and has called me to do likewise.

Do not get me wrong, if a family of my own is in God's plan for me, you can bet that they will be absolutely adorable! (And have HORRIBLE awkward years… they'll take after me like that) But I will not SIMPLY be a mom. I will not SIMPLY be raising kids. I will be raising a whole new generation of deep thinkers, of creative minds, and of great dyslexia! And that should scare you. Because any child of mine will either stir up a great revival, or take over the world…. It will be no SIMPLE task raising my children.

This bottom line is, God has called to a life of complete un-normal, hard, craziness. And I pray (not as fervently as I should) the He prepare and set my heart ablaze with passion for whatever He has me do.

I pray He breaks my ribs and fixes my heart for Him. (Then a cute Winnie-the-Pooh Band-Aid would be nice) I pray that God not only remind me of His existence any more, but to drag me until I start running down that skinny little path towards Him.

Just because I don't get a fuzzy feeling in my heart when singing a worship song, or get all clammy and sweaty when I pray, or get ADD when I read meaningful scripture does not in any way mean that God has forgotten about me, or that He no longer has important things planned for my future.

I want a crazy love affair with the creator. I want to not just say and be willing to do crazy things in pursuit of Him, I want to actually DO them!

Call me insane, call me crazy, Call me BLAND. But my relationship with God is not dead, and not dying. But twelve years in you could say it is just beginning. 

New song just entered my head. Something Crazy, by Steven Curtis Chapman.

The Noble Stella From Libraria!!!!!

Stella is back. That noble, and yes, I truly mean noble, personality from Libraria. Hannah has kept me suppressed for far too long, but finally, she has let me spread my wings and fly. My wings are beautiful, so I'm pretty sure she was just jealous of my wings and didn't want anyone else seeing them. Hannah is the jealous type, but I like her. I kind of have to....considering she keeps me alive in her head.

Anyways, I've been waiting months to say something fascinating, profound, and very important.....so here it comes.........

I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!!!!!! Okay, that was a lie. I literally have nothing to say and that was the first thing to come to my mind. It's funny the type of stuff that comes to mind when you have so many other people in your mind. It's really hard to keep things clear. I mean, Hannah is really crazy. She has like 99 other personalities in her head (Of course I'm the best one). 

There's Bella (yeah her name rhymes with mine, but she's nothing like me), then there's Carllotta, Dori, Karen, Shelia, Toni, Maria, Amy, Mags...........and those are just the nice ones. I'm not even going to mention the mean ones. Anyways, I was just trying to make the point that Hannah is crazy, but I literally couldn't exist without her. So.....I just want to take the moment to say thank you Hannah.   

Well, because it's New Year's Day, I figure I will share my New Year's Revolution. Stella the 78th personality of Hannah has decided that her New Year's Revolution this year will be 1) to make sure people understand the softness of kittens fur, 2) start a purple sky club (not enough people believe the sky is purple), 3) and last but not least, get rid of a few of Hannah's other personalities. 

New Year's Revolutions are very important to make and to keep. I will try not to make my revolutions to dangerous, but really, people must understand that kittens furr is very soft. It is a serious matter, and it might just take a revolution to cause people to see the truth. Thank you for your time.  

Kittens are very cute and nice,

And they sometimes play little flutes,

But their eyes can be like ice, 

So just remember that their cute,

And softness counts more than lice.